He uses pillows to masturbate.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
