My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
