2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Everything about him screamed your future.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
