I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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