I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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