I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
