I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
