I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
