i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
the raccoons are back...
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