A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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