I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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