is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
