This is the prime rib incident all over again
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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