I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
