last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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