Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She even gives head with a lisp.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
