Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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