i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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