So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
