please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
