I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
