Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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