you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Someone shattered a urinal.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i think my cat just said my name.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
