can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
