Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
