How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
