Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
