I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
