Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
