i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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