I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
