i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
