Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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