i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
