I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
