I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
