I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's rum buckets o'clock
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize