u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize