She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
