alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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