every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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