Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
