none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
