my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
