Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
