You smell like stripper and shame
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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