Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
