Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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