I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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