Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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