And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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