I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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