I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
