last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
