Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize