Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
