What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
