Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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