Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
